Escape Artists Never Die
by allurement
Summary: AU. MinatoKushina. FugakuMikoto. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. That’s how Minato and Kushina’s relationship had always been. But when two people keep going back to each other, it’s usually meant to be.
1. Fugaku Has Homosexual Hair

**Fandom:** Naruto  
**Pairing:** MinatoKushina  
**Summary:** On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. That was how Minato and Kushina's relationship had always been. But when two people keep going back to each other, it's usually meant to be.  
**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaimer applies.

* * *

**Chapter One:** Fugaku Has Homosexual Hair

* * *

"Hey, Uchiha, I heard you—"

"Get. Lost," Fugaku hissed, fingernails digging into the cafeteria table he was sitting at.

The boy being addressed widened his eyes and raised his hands in defence.

"Whoa, man," he said, not giving up. "I heard from someone that you said you were—"

"You. Heard. Wrong." Fugaku fixed the boy with a murderous glare that told the young usually confident redhead that he would be waking up with a horse's head next to him the morning after if he didn't back away slowly right then and there. After he was out of sight, Fugaku closed his eyes and sighed, rubbing his temples.

Minato, who was sitting next to him, scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"That's the… wait, what number was he?"

"Number twenty-four," Mikoto clarified. She poked her chicken salad warily, before looking up from her food and brightening up, throwing Fugaku a cheeky grin. "You're really reeling them in, aren't you, Fugaku? Who knew you would be so… _popular_?"

"Shut up," ordered Fugaku, still not opening his eyes. "I don't even know _how_ this happened."

"Well, you see, you turned gay—"

"I am _not_ gay."

"—so now, half of Konoha High's male population are coming out of the closet and asking you out. Imagine that, eh?" Kushina said, grinning.

"I am _not_ gay," Fugaku maintained. "I don't know why everyone thinks that. Is it my hair? It's my hair, isn't it." It wasn't a question.

The other three sitting at the table exchange vague looks.

"Yes, that's exactly it," Kushina said sarcastically.

"Mmhmm, Fugaku. You totally have homosexual hair," quipped Mikoto.

Fugaku stared at Mikoto.

"I hate you guys," he seethed, whilst Minato applauded Mikoto and Kushina snickered.

* * *

_So… What's up with you and Minato now?_

Mikoto folded up the piece of paper neatly and slid it towards Kushina, not taking her eyes off the Powerpoint presentation in front of her.

"Eh? What's this?" Kushina whispered, swatting away the note Mikoto was poking her with.

"Just read it," Mikoto said, not moving her lips. It slightly disturbed Kushina, so she took the piece of paper and unfolded it.

_Nothing,_ she wrote back. _The idiot keeps asking me to take him back. Like that will ever happen. Again._

Mikoto snorted gracefully (how was that possible?) when she read Kushina's note and scribbled _Hah. That's what you said the last time, __**and**_ _the time before that. And the time before the time before that. Face it Kushi-chan, he's got you wrapped around his rather large pinky finger._

The redhead scowled at the note and immediately began writing her reply. _Okay, first of all, don't call me 'Kushi-chan'. Seriously, it's weird and you sound like that random freshman that tried to hit on me when I first came here. And secondly, I mean it. I won't take him back, not after what he's done to me,_ Kushina wrote, pretending that she was taking notes on the Biology lesson being taught.

Mikoto let out another derisive snort and slid the paper back to Kushina in a flash. _Riiiiight. Anyway, pay attention, Kushina. These notes are going to be included in our final exam, so you can't afford to slack off._

… _You're the one who started_—

"Uzumaki! What do you have there?" their teacher, Tsunade, barked.

Kushina glanced to her left at Mikoto for help, but the raven-haired beauty continued looking ahead, the picture of innocence.

"Nothing, sensei," Kushina said hastily. "I confused about what was on the board. I get it now, though."

Tsunade looked at her skeptically before returning to the board and resuming her presentation.

Kushina let out an audible sigh of relief and closed her eyes. Mikoto lightly poked her and mouthed 'Sorry' when the she looked her way, putting on her best puppy-dog expression, making Kushina melt.

This was definitely not how Kushina had imagined her new life to be.

When she had transferred from Whirlpool High, she had resigned herself to be somewhat of a loner, deciding that she would keep to herself and just study hard to get through the rest of her academic career. She wasn't prepared in the slightest for the ups and downs that came with her transfer document to her new school. She hadn't expected to be taken under the wing of Konoha High's three most popular students, she hadn't expected to find a best friend in the school's most beautiful and sought-after heiress, she hadn't expected to be so comfortable and _herself_ around the school's most enigmatic pretty-boy, and she _definitely_ hadn't expected to have gone out with the school's resident sweetheart (multiple times).

Now that she thought about it in more depth, at first, she couldn't really see how Minato fitted into Fugaku and Mikoto's inner circle. Mikoto came from one of the town's most affluent families and had suitors lining up at her doorstep in the dozens, and Fugaku was an _Uchiha_. (Kushina hadn't really understood what that meant when she had first arrived, but by the way her pink-haired class president had uttered his name in such awe and reverence when showing her around the school, she had no doubt that in Konoha High, Uchiha Fugaku was royalty.)

But after two weeks of observing the trio, it was clear why the two spent so much time around him. Despite having countless boys chasing after her, Mikoto was quite a reserved girl, having been brought up with grace and manners and poise, even though she did have her mischievous moments. Minato was the one who warded off the "horny, testosterone-filled twats" and who brought the sunshine into Mikoto's otherwise colourless world. He was undoubtedly Fugaku's best friend (although the Uchiha would never admit it), and he knew him better than even Mikoto did, despite her knowing him since they were toddlers. He knew exactly what to say to wind Fugaku up, yet he would be the first to rush to his aid if the situation ever called for it.

Fugaku was always the one that girls (and now apparently, boys) lusted after, but Minato was the one that they fell in love with. His goofiness, charming attitude and ability to instantly light up a room meant that he had more than a few declarations of love, and being the strapping, teenaged boy that he was, he was very open to pursuing them without much coaching.

Kushina was no different. Once Mikoto had introduced her to Fugaku and Minato, one sly grin the blonde had given her had her smitten. So naturally, when Minato had casually asked her out a month after, she had said yes despite Mikoto's warnings and Fugaku's furtive glances.

Regardless of those tell-tale signs, she had ignored the actions of the two people who knew him the best. She had fallen so hopelessly and helplessly in love with Minato that she had turned a deaf ear whenever Mikoto had told her that Minato wasn't the most loyal of people when it came to girls, confident that she would be enough to change his ways.

Until she caught him in the library with a long-legged, doe-eyed blonde three weeks later.

To say that she was hurt would be an understatement.

She left the room quickly, without a sound, completely forgetting that she was supposed to meet Fugaku there so they could go over their Business Studies notes for the upcoming exam.

The next morning, Fugaku didn't tell her that she had missed their study session. Kushina reckoned he must have walked in on Minato as well and had realised where she had went off to. Right before break, when they had their Philosophy class together, she thanked him before going to her seat. He replied with a noncommittal grunt and a "Minato's a moron anyway".

She broke up with Minato at lunchtime, in an empty classroom he had brought her to. Judging by his reaction, she was probably the first girl to have ever dumped him, which wasn't very good for his track record.

From then on, he pursued her more relentlessly. Kushina had to give him some credit; he was _determined_. She was the only girl to have ever refused him anything (on multiple occasions) and that didn't sit well with him.

Because when Namikaze Minato wants something, Namikaze Minato _gets_ it.

And get it he did. After two months of "But Kushina, baby, _she_ jumped _me_. I was just surprised, that's why I didn't move!" and "I promise it will _never_ happen again. I promise", Kushina decided that she couldn't stay mad at him any longer and took him back.

That was, until he did the exact same thing again, only instead of the library, he did it in one of Konoha's many chemistry labs, and in place of the tall, svelte blonde, a short, petite brunette was occupying his lap.

Kushina, having gone into the lab with Nara Shikaku to collect some books their teacher asked them to fetch, had merely stared at the couple in stunned silence before clearing her throat loudly, trying to keep calm when all she wanted to do was punch Minato's lights out.

And kill that tiny slut that was glued to him.

Shikaku, however, wasn't privy to her thoughts, and he would be later seen telling his friends Akimichi Chouza and Yamanaka Inoichi about the whole incident. After witnessing her calm and collected composure, he had told them how he wished Yoshino would be as easy-going as Kushina, instead of beating him up all the time.

"That's it," Kushina had told Minato later. "No more chances."

She took back her words (as well as him) two weeks later, after promises of "It was just a moment of weakness. It won't happen again, I'm serious this time, Kushina, I swear", and was disappointed yet again.

Kushina had no idea where her rationality had gone. Maybe she had left it back at Whirlpool High, she thought bleakly. Back in her old school, she was considered as the tomboy-ish street-smart girl who knew everything and trusted no one. Then came her inevitable transfer to Konoha and her complete change in personality. What would her friends back in her old school think of her now?

Maybe it was just Minato. He just had this… _effect_ on her that she couldn't even describe. She had never felt this way about anyone else in the past, and he had made her feel special. When his face wasn't glued to another girl's one, of course.

Kushina sighed and turned back to the presentation, looking over Mikoto's shoulder and copying down the notes that she had already written whilst Kushina was reminiscing.

* * *

Ironic that just after she thought about that topic that it would come up once the lesson was over.

"Come on, Kushina," Minato coaxed. "Just one more chance."

Kushina snorted.

"It's always 'one more' with you, isn't it?" she snapped. "That's what you keep saying, and every single time, it's _not_ just one more."

"Please Kushina," Minato persisted, gently gripping Kushina's wrists and preventing her from walking away. "I care about you. I really do. Those other girls—they mean _nothing _to me."

"Ugh!" Kushina cried, frustrated. She forcefully pulled her hands away from Minato and took a few steps back, grabbing fistfuls of her hair. "That's _exactly_ it, Minato! You say that you don't care about these girls; that they mean nothing to you. But the thing is…" Her voice softened and she pierced him with a hurt look. "If they don't mean anything, yet you still choose them over me… what does that make me then?"

"I—er—" Minato began, and then stopped. For the first time in his life, he was at a loss for words.

"You see?" Kushina asked softly. She fixed him with one more look before turning around and walking off, leaving Minato standing in the middle of the deserted corridor hoping and praying that she would turn around and change her mind.

She didn't look back.

* * *

**A/N:**

**NB: **Yorino (see paragraph that Nara Shikaku is mentioned in) is the name of Shikamaru's mother. _No_, I did not look that up on Google, and _yes_, this is going to turn into a full-blown parent-fest! Wait until I find more.

This was originally supposed to be a medieval-fic, and it turned into one of those AU high school fics that I dislike reading. And now I'm turning into a hypocrite.

Please don't tell me that Minato would never do this. He's _dead_, so for all anyone knows, half the kids in Konoha could be secretly his. Plus, he's just a boy, who knows how to grasp an oppurtunity (skirt) whenever he sees one. Kushina lacks judgement because she's still young and she's prone to making bad decisions, as I'm sure we all are. And the whole Fugaku's-hair thing was my attempt at humour. I shall now go off and apologise to my brain.

So please give me your thoughts on this, yes yes?


	2. Fugaku Has A Godson

**Fandom:** Naruto  
**Pairing:** MinatoKushina  
**Summary:** On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. That was how Minato and Kushina's relationship had always been. But when two people keep going back to each other, it's usually meant to be.  
**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaimer applies.

* * *

**Chapter Two: **Fugaku Has A Godson

* * *

Kushina had been living with Mikoto for a little over a year, but whenever she entered the debutante's compound, she never ceased to be awed. It wasn't as big as Fugaku's, nor as lavish, but the sheer amount of family history stored in the two hundred year old manor captivated her every time.

Initially, Kushina had only moved to Konoha High because her widowed mother, who had suddenly went through a mid-life crisis sometime last year, had decided that she needed to spend what little money she had globe-trekking. Soon after she had begun making travelling plans and sorting out loans, she had realised that Whirlpool City was too dangerous a place for her poor, defenceless teenage daughter, and had shipped her off to the neighbouring Konoha. Not that that would have made much of a difference anyway.

Originally, when she had first transferred, she had stayed at the school hostel where other students stayed if their parents didn't live with them. She had befriended Mikoto a month after she had moved in, and when the latter had seen the state of her room (which wasn't that bad, to be fair to the school staff), she had immediately called up a dozen of her family's workforce and told them to move all of her belongings to one of the spare rooms in Mikoto's manor immediately.

She knew it was quite unhealthy for her, this rich and pampered life, because once high school was over and her mother came back, her carriage would turn back into a pumpkin, and she would be the Cinderella going home in rags.

Mikoto had said that that would never happen though. They'd be friends for life, she solemnly swore.

Kushina just hoped she was right.

* * *

_Gt ova 2 mi hse ASAP. I hv sth rly kwl 2 show u gais._

"... What does this say? Kushina, I can't speak Stupid. Please help me," Mikoto requested, squinting at the text message in front of her. She was curled up on one end of her velvet-red couch in the corner of her dining room, a cup of tea in one hand and her cellphone in the other.

Kushina bit down into her apple that she had taken off Mikoto's kitchen counter and walked over to where her friend was, leaning across the backrest of the sofa to get a good look at Mikoto's phone from over her shoulder.

"I think he has something he wants to show us," she said between mouthfuls. She chewed her apple noisily.

"Kushina," Mikoto chided reproachfully. "Manners, please."

Kushina rolled her eyes and tossed her half-eaten apple into the bin.

"Yes, mother," she said dully. "Now come on, Mikoto. I want to see what Tall, Blonde and Stupid deems so important that it demands our precious free time right now. I bet he's been arrested and is asking you and Fugaku to supply the bail money."

* * *

"... You are such a moron," Fugaku said, deadpanned.

Minato paid no heed to the insult and continued to sit on his living room floor with his legs crossed, looking rather happy with himself.

"You know that remark would be a lot more cutting if you didn't say it to him every other minute, Fugaku," Mikoto told him, staring at the sight in front of her uncertainly.

Kushina decided to intervene.

"Minato?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"... What the hell is that wild animal doing in your house?"

Minato gasped audibly and flung his arms around said wild animal's ears.

"Don't call him that!" he hissed, causing his three friends around him to collectively take a step back. "He can hear you. My baby's sensitive," he added.

"Your baby is a fox," Fugaku pointed out, clearly not impressed.

"I know! Isn't he adorable?" Minato cried, delighted. "I think I'll call him Naruto."

There was an awkward pause. In the background, various small, woodland animals that lived around the Namikaze Estate gasped in horror and began to write their wills.

"Wait, did I hear that right? _Naruto_? Isn't that the swirly stuff you get in ramen?" Kushina asked Mikoto.

"I wouldn't know," Mikoto replied gracefully, turning her head to face Kushina with the air of a premadonna. "I don't eat commoner-food."

She resumed observing Naruto sniffing the bowl of ramen in front of him before tentatively reaching out and tasting it.

"He likes it! You guys, he likes it!" Minato cheered. "Oh, he is _so_ my son."

"He's a _fox_," Fugaku reminded him, annoyed by his friend's idiocy.

"I don't know, Fugaku. He's pretty tame for a fox," Kushina said thoughtfully. "I always thought they were like, predators and stuff, and didn't like being around humans."

"Well, _my_ Naruto's different," Minato said, unable to keep the pride from his voice. "Hey, Kushina—you wanna be his mother? He can have your surname if you want."

"No thanks. I'll pass."

"You sure?" Minato implored. "Uzumaki Naruto. That's the name most legends are made out of, you know."

"He's a goddamn fox, you idiot!" Fugaku burst out, unable to contain his frustration any longer.

Naruto looked up from his meal and sneezed.

"Whoa. It knew what you were talking about, Fugaku," Kushina said, mildly impressed.

"_He_," Minato corrected.

"Well, _I_ think _he's_ cute," Mikoto declared.

"... Stop condoning this sort of behaviour, Mikoto."

"But look, Fugaku!" Minato said. He picked up Naruto, who made a pathetic whining noise when he was pulled away from his meal, and turned him to face Fugaku. "Admit it; he's cute, is he not? Just like his dad. See the similarity? This is love," the blond said, bringing the small fox towards him and engulfing him in a bone-crushing hug.

"Aw," Mikoto cooed. "That _is_ cute."

"No, that is animal cruelty," Fugaku said. "Now release it into the wild before I'm forced to call various animal protection agencies to physically remove it from you."

"Aw, Fugaku, but he's so adorable!" Mikoto squealed, latching onto the Uchiha's arm and swooning.

"_Thank you_, pretty lady!" Minato cried out in relief, releasing Naruto. "Hey, do you and Fugaku want to be the godparents?

"We'd love to!"

"No."

"But Fugaku—"

"No, Mikoto, I refuse to be a part of this madness for any longer," Fugaku said, resolved.

The sunny smile slid off of Mikoto's face, and she tightened her grip on Fugaku, who winced ever so slightly. Then, she turned back to Minato (and Naruto) and smiled sweetly, saying in a false-cheery voice, "We'd love to, _wouldn't we, Fugaku_?"

Fugaku blinked and looked around. His eyes met with the ones of the only other sane person in the room.

"... Kushina. Please," Fugaku said, and if he were any other person, that might have sounded like he was pleading in a last ditch effort to remain alive.

Minato, Naruto and Mikoto, who had released Fugaku in favour to join her friend in petting her new godson, collectively looked up at Kushina imploringly, the picture of cuteness, innocence and other fluffy things.

Kushina melted.

"I hate you guys," Fugaku seethed.

* * *

"And this is him eating ramen, and there's a picture of him waiting for me to cook his ramen, and this one is him looking at his ramen and... here's him throwing up after I accidently gave him some bad milk."

"Poor baby," Mikoto said, nodding sympathetically.

"Indeed."

"Do your parents actually _allow _that flea-infested creature into your house?" Fugaku asked incredulously.

"They think he's cute. Which they are completely right in doing," Minato said. "And—hey, call my son that again, and I'll pound you to the ground for real."

"Yeah, Fugaku," Mikoto said, joining in. "What kind of godfather are you, anyway?"

"... Mikoto, I'm telling your parents you have rabies the next time I see them."

* * *

"Hey, Kushina," Akimichi Chouza said casually, glancing over his shoulder where Kushina could see Inoichi and Shikaku doing a not-very-good job of hiding themselves under a table.

They were in one of the computer labs where Kushina was completing an Accounting report during her free period. She sighed. The Three Amigos just _had_ to stalk her here and interrupt her peace and quiet. Never mind, Kushina. Patience.

"Yeah?"

"Well. Um. Shikaku told me that Yoshino told him that yesterday, she was talking to Inuzuka Tsume—who has _really _put on a lot of weight since she got pregnant; she's kinda fat now—"

Kushina snorted. That was rich coming from Chouza.

"—anyway, she told her that she heard from Aburame Shibi who was eavesdropping on the Hyuuga twins, that Miss Class President said that she found out from—"

"I think my brain just died. Please skip to the point."

"Oh, sorry," Chouza apologised hastily. "Uh, well, in short form, we heard that you gave birth to Minato's child before you transferred to this school and that the two of you named it Naruto. Is this true?"

"... Chouza, who said that?"

* * *

"—and now, everyone's thinking that I'm the mother of your child!"

Minato cooed at Naruto.

"Oi, don't you have anything to say, moron?" Kushina yelled, slapping him across the head.

"Shhh," Minato hissed, raising his hands in defence when Kushina curled her fists into balls. "You'll scare him!"

Kushina twitched and tried to calm down. She had to set a good example for Naruto, after all.

"Everyone thinks we have a child together," she said exasperatedly.

"Well, we do."

"No, we don't."

"Of course we do. Don't be daft, Kushina," Minato said, looking pointedly at Naruto, who had started sniffing his private parts.

Kushina raised an eyebrow and coughed.

"He's so clever, isn't he?" Minato chortled. "My little genius."

Kushina shook her head and slapped him.

"Fugaku was right. You _are_ a moron."

* * *

("Dude. You're going to break your pencil soon."

"Shut up, dead last."

"Well, _I_ think they look good together."

"Kushina, shut up."

"_Man_, she seems to be into him."

"Didn't I just tell you to _shut up_, Minato?"

"Both of you shut up; I can't hear what he's saying!")

Yamanaka Inoichi looked around warily, eyes darting to a nearby bush. He could have sworn he had heard voices coming from there a moment ago.

"Um, Yamanaka-kun?"

He glanced back to Mikoto, who was standing in front of him with a sweet smile on her face, the picture of innocence.

He smirked.

"Yeah, so, like I was saying, Mikoto-hime—"

("Dude, stop _snarling_, Fugaku. You're gonna give us away!"

"Minato, have Fugaku's eyes always been this reddish?")

"—why don't you and I go out some time?"

Mikoto fidgeted nervously and leaned back on the tree behind her.

"Uh, I'm not so sure, Yamanaka-kun—"

("Score! Now _calm down_, Fugaku."

"Aw. Pity. He was kinda hot."

"Hey—What was that supposed to mean?")

"—I don't think you're the type of guy I usually go for."

"Oh, really?" Inoichi said disbelievingly, leaning forward and placing a hand against the tree, next to Mikoto's head.

"It's nothing personal, Yamanaka-kun, it's just that—mmfph!"

("Whoa, down, Fugaku, _down_."

"Minato, try to control him!"

"Why don't _you_ try doing that then because—Hey. That actually looks kinda hot."

"Fugaku! Stop strangling him!)

"So," Inoichi said, pulling away and smirking again. "Still think I'm not the type of guy you usually go for?"

Mikoto, who now looked flushed, dumbstruck and ever-so-slightly frazzled, merely stared up at him, slowly running her fingers through her hair to flatten it.

"I'll pick you up this Saturday at seven, okay?"

She nodded slowly.

"Great. I'll see you there, then," he said, leaning forward and giving Mikoto a peck on the lips before winking and walking off.

("OW. FUGAKU, YOUR DAMN PENCIL FLEW INTO MY EYE.")

* * *

**A/N:**

Most of what will appear here will be different forms of writing. Just though you should know.

And yes, all the names that appear here _are_ canon characters. I lack the imagination to make up random OC's.

SHIBI! Mmm.


End file.
